I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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