You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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