running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
