your parents love me but you hate me
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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