I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
