I need to stop coming to work sober
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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