i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize