My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
