It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
