Already got asked if we're dating
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize