WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
