I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
