i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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