Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
