Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
