Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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