Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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