My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
ok first of all what the fuck
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
