so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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