Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
