Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
