The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Two words: blizzard sex
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize