Taylor Swift is so right about you.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize