I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
he shaved USA in his pubs
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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