Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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