just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
