You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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