Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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