I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
