this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
