Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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