I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
