Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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