I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
