Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
