Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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