Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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