just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
