I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
