yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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