big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
