"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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