I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
