You made me cry and you don't even care
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I feel like a drive thru vagina
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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