why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize