Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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