omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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