Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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