i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
