you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
