I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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