Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
His nipple licking is glorious
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