Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
