guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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