I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize