Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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