Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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