I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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