I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I currently don't understand fingers.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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