it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I love having hate sex.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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