I'm really into asian looking animals
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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