Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize