The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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