Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
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