What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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