Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
