I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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