did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
