How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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