Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
