I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
